Thursday, March 12, 2009

So, I am apparently not one for blogging since I have not even logged onto this blasted site since November. I have been contemplating the whole concept of blogging. It is a super fabulous tool for people who have an audience, a following, or a customer base. And there are a select few persons out there who really kick ass at it (take Little Red Bike for instance). I followed some vegan blogs pretty religiously for quite some time to stay on my health path, connect, get recipes, etc. It has it's purpose for sure. I attempted to continue the circle, post recipes and share motivation for like-minded food lovers looking for some vegan love. I guess I don't need to state that I failed, and pretty miserably at that.

You see, I have no such purpose, no such audience. For a while I thought, who the hell do I think I am? No one in the whole world is so interested in me, in my life, in what I have to say, to check up on what random thoughts I may have posted on the internets. Then I thought, Hey! What does blogging do for me? (Yes, I am that selfish.) Does it make me feel more connected? Most certainly not! Personal blogging gives people a way to check up on me without having to pick up the phone, an excuse to isolate one another even more in our modern world. I understand this could be seen as a plus to some, like hermit crabs or people who like to spy on people they know. I suppose that is what Facebook is for, and I am admittedly hooked, so I'm just a hypocrite.

Basically, what I am saying is that this is my last blog. I know you are all shedding tears over this devastating piece of information, but I have to do something a little more validating in my life right now.

You may be asking yourself why I even bothered to write this out at 2am on a Thursday morning. Why can't I just disappear into the abyss like any other normal blog quitter? Good question, and for anyone who has gotten this far along in this rambling post- wow. Nonetheless, here's the answer (bare with me here). When people fall, they have the choice to go down with flailing arms, kicking screaming, creating utter chaos around them and eventually drowning in a pool of panic and destructive behavior. Or, they can fall gracefully (as much as is humanly possible) and glide along until they find the strength to get back up and fight their battle on two feet.

We all fall (so I am told), we all even sink sometimes. But I think it's all about surrendering. Because you can't let go and move on without surrendering to whatever it is that defeated you. You have to acknowledge that you are on your ass in order to be willing to stand back up.

Don't think for one little second that this means I have run out of things to say, run out of meaningful thoughts, have run out of crazy accounts of the experiences I have in life. These things will not cease until my soul has left my weary shell. But they will not be shared here, will not be given over to the void of passer-byers, or more so the lack thereof.

So now you are probably saying who the hell cares? Right. Well, I am making an effort in the life to acknowledge things that hold meaning in my life, or the things that have meant a great deal to me in the past. Essentially I am hell bent on finishing what I started. Even if finishing means saying goodbye. It's the goodbyes that I have never been good at. So why not start in a place not so dear to my heart, one with little (no) audience right?

After being attacked by some heroin addict whack-a-do for saving his brother's life, and losing the best friend I have ever had all in a matter of a few days, I have decided that I clearly need to redirect my karma or I won't survive the spring. And I am really looking forward to a Portland summer. So, don't be surprised if you get some unexpected visit, note/mystery box, or phone call. It's just me, keeping up in finishing what I start. Whether it be a long deserved thank you, a reminder how important you are in my life, or even an official goodbye (as this one is supposed to be).

Cheers to all. May all of your wildest dreams come true!

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