Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Farewell my black balloon

Oh my, oh my. So many changes in a girls life! This summer has turned my world upside-down. I have acquired three new hair colors, a new tattoo, a new pad, endured heartache that nearly consumed me, developed a new social group, embraced a new lifestyle and different form of transportation, and on September 22nd, I will have a new job.

I started out the summer in a funk. Trying to pick up the pieces of my life was not something I looked forward to each afternoon getting out of bed, so sometimes I just stayed there. Going out on the town every night lost it's luster all too quickly and I was left wallowing with the reality of things in an empty home. My belongings have remained in boxes far too long as if moving them in was synonymous with finalizing the goodbye to the way things use to be.

I was so contented to be able to mend my friendship with Tim. It was so revivifying to be in his company and I was elated to be able to do all the things we used to love bonding over. There is something to say for the comfort of someone who knows you in and out, someone who can assess your entire state of being with a simple glance.

This sense of fulfillment quickly vanished as I watched him driving away in the Aspen with the powder blue strip glowing in the sun. I followed him, tears streaming down my face. He was really leaving. I wanted so badly to follow him until he stopped at his destination, but we both knew that I couldn't . Passing him, I watched in the rear view until he blurred into the distance.

I frequently slip into a state of panic, and forget how to breathe when I realize how different my life is than it was just a few short months ago. You know the old saying, if you love someone you have to let them go, well I am not so convinced. I am so terrified that I have lost something that meant so much to me, and I will never procure anything like it again. I want to be able to ride my bike around with him, I want to go out to Sauvie Island and make jam, make green curry, and foolishly try to keep up with him on a run. I want to go to the beach and wander around aimlessly downtown. I want to try on ridiculous outfits and model them around the store to the great amusement of sales personnel. I have been so desolate with the understanding that these things have left my life for the next two years, and quite possibly eternity. It seems unbearable sometimes, but that is life.

It seems so easy to be consumed by sorrow, become lost in it forever, and lose the ability to appreciate life in all it's glory, or appreciate it at all. I feel like I have had a black balloon tied to my wrist, casting a shadow on everything that lays on the path before me. It has taken me all too long to realize it's presence, and even longer for me to be willing to disband with the aberrant sense of security it has consigned.

Today marked my valediction to it's persistent doom as I cut the string and watched it float away, susceptible to whatever weather it encounters. A subtle smile pulls at the muscles in my cheeks knowing I no longer bare it's ball and chain. Life is, after all, too short not to embrace the next adventure, tackle the next obstacle, experience the unknown, or even to bring yourself back from the devastation of the next heartache.