Friend or Foe

I found the last tangible piece of my childhood torn to shreds this morning. My long-time comfort laying dismantled at my feet with no hope of reconstruction. My eyes augmenting in disbelief, my breath absconding, my hands trembling, tears welling, I collapsed to the floor.

These moments of utter loss have been frequenting my seemingly affected existence lately. Yet, this symbolically tops them all. I have been doing a commendable job disarming panic attacks with a nonchalant air and convincingly carefree smile. Lassitude surrounding the indirection of my life. I can pull off this guise because all those who really know me, know that change is no friend of mine, are thousands of miles away.

But this week, my uncanny abilities to brush off overwhelming feelings are weakening. I avoid moments alone that aren't packed full of purposeful activity. The place bereft of a comforting and familiar presence is now a medley of strangers' scents.

Eyes perfectly lined, hair punctiliously placed. Fitted in tight jeans and peep-toe pumps. Layers shedding on a diet of greyhounds through neon cocktail straws. Playing into the games, but following through with little. Those quiet nights at home are equating to equivocal memories. This poison comes instruction-free and regularly costs me nothing.

I've cried over this before, the hurt, the anger. But for the first time I'm truly sad over it all. No anger, no blame, no dwelling and analyzing, no wishing for it to go back to the way it once was- just sad over the demise of the love we once knew.